The Challenge of Forgiveness for Sexual Abusers
July 7, 2002

Into all of our lives some rain must fall. Even though we know this to be true, most of us avoid pain and suffering to the maximum extent possible. Sometimes we even try to deny sickness and death, refusing to see a doctor and pretending nothing is wrong. The feelings involved seem overwhelming to us and so we sometimes just want them to all go away. This kind of human reaction gave rise to the expression about the “elephant” in the room that no one talks about. I suspect there are plenty of elephants to go around in our lives today.

In the Church we have a few of these elephants. The biggest one, of course, is the sexual abuse of children by clergy. But, with all the publicity we have experienced these past months, it is very hard to deny the existence of this problem and our feelings of disgust, disillusionment, and betrayal that exist in our hearts. As I suggested last weekend, healing will begin only after we face squarely the facts of such abuse and our personal reactions to them. Some of us know victims and some of us know perpetrators. My emotions shift as I listen to persons on both sides of the issue.

Being able to identify our emotions and talk about the elephant in our midst is only the starting point in the path toward healing. For healing to happen we have to move on to telling the stories we have experienced. For many of us it will not be in the telling that we are healed, but in our listening to others’ stories. It is crucial for the victims of abuse to tell their stories and that others listen to them. Victims need to know that they are heard and that they are not disparaged or blamed for what has happened. Many victims of abuse are so devastated by what happened that they hide the reality, even from themselves, as best they can until they find someone who will listen. Only when they are heard can the healing move to the second stage. It is important to listen because this validates, in a way, the experiences of the speaker.

Another part of communicating the story is done in prayer. This is especially hard for the abused to do when the perpetrator was a priest, a man who is supposed to mirror God through sacraments and his life. Great healing comes about when the abused tells God “like it is” without sugar coating or denying reality. This is, as all prayer should be, a complete revelation to God of the state of our minds, hearts, and souls. One helpful way of making this kind of prayer is to ask the Lord to be present in every bad situation in our lives as we recall them to mind in prayer. Even in the worst of times and events, God is present. Our prayer helps us realize this fact.

Communication of our stories and our feelings will only bring us partial healing. The third stage in this healing process entails forgiveness of the perpetrators of abuse. This cannot be rushed along. It is only after a rather long period of time that we can move to forgive another person. The feelings must be experienced and the stories must be told before we can even think about forgiveness. Yet, once completed, forgiveness is the capstone to the healing process.

The way that this is done is by recalling the words of Jesus on the cross as he was being crucified. The men who were killing him did know what they were doing—they were carrying out the will of the authorities. Yet, Jesus said to his Father in prayer, “Father, forgive them, for they do not know what they are doing.” In Jesus’ prayer He is saying that they did not know the full ramifications of what they were doing; that they did not know the depths of the pain they were inflicting; that they did not understand fully what they were about. The same can be said by each and every one of us of those who hurt us. The perpetrators know what they are doing, but they do not understand or realize the depth of the hurt, etc., they are causing.

It is important to note that forgiveness is not a feeling. Forgiveness is an act of the will. I can’t imagine Jesus “feeling like” forgiving his murderers. It was an act of the will to do so because he knew human nature and our blindness to the full impact of our actions. At any rate, it is only in the act of forgiveness that we are really healed.

I think it is important for us as a Church to reflect on some things the present scandals raise in my mind. First, only a very small portion of priests has ever engaged in sexual abuse of children. One is too many. Nevertheless, the vast majority of priests live fine lives even as they are beset with all the normal struggles of humanity. The news media has hung over each case reported from among priests like vultures waiting to jump at every morsel of scandal.

Second, remembering the phrase, “If such things happen in green wood, what is happening in the dry,” I wonder what the reality of sexual abuse is in the rest of our society. In other words, what is the incidence of child sexual abuse, including incest, in our society? If some priests, whose training and initial orientation to God’s service would preclude abuse fell into it, what are others in society who did not have that orientation doing in this area? All the studies I have seen speak about the things that happen “behind closed doors” as being much greater than thought.

Third, what are the implications of zero tolerance as developed by the United States bishops? Are we to follow the same standards in dealing with other perpetrators of sexual abuse when we find them in our families and wider circle of acquaintances? Are we to throw fathers, uncles, and brothers out of families based on a one time sin and/or crime? Where will healing be present in these kinds of situations? As a Church called to bring healing into our society, I think we face some colossal challenges in our life.

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